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Saturday, February 04, 2006

Schizophernia and what it means to me

I remembered, I was only 14 or 15, when I started hearing whispers. I never knew who said them. I've never seen their face. I only knew that there were some people talking. Never really bothered me. In fact, I thought it was a normal thing for people to have a guide in their head. I never have heard of Schizophrenia. But first, a little more information on the young me.

I was an active student, pretty good at Karate, and had a knack in Mathematics. Yes, the dreaded subject to many was my favorite subject. I was so good, that I was at most of the time, top of the school in my grades. I was active physically, enjoyed my team at Scouts being the team leader of my pack. I loved hiking, travelling, had dreams of going all over the world to learn their cultures and to get to know more people. In another words, I was a normal, healthy teenager. Or at least I thought I was.

School was getting harder, as it was pretty soon that I were to get into university. I didn't know what to do with my life. I only knew I wanted to travel. I didn't know what to major in the university but I knew I had to get a degree to survive in the ever competitive working world. I find it discomforting that I'm finding it harder and harder for me to concentrate, whether its in school, or when I'm out and about. My mind wonders often, and these whispers are ever present, everywhere I go. It didn't mind me at first, but the whispers grew louder little by little. I did not notice, but I was ever feeling watched, or someone is out to get me.

That feeling stayed, and never left. At first I was able to ignore it. And when it got bad, I just basically sang a tune, or tried to drown it with music. After all, which teen didn't have a walkman then? Nah, its something that I'm sure it'll get easier when I grow up. But who was I kidding. I could hardly concentrate at lectures now, much less listen to instructions. My favorite subject, Mathematics, was all of a sudden very difficult.

I started struggling at school. At first I thought it was because I was working too much. After all, I'm trying to survive as a student. I started drifting off to a different world. The strangest thing was, I never thought that any of that was strange. I thought it was just a phase, because most people say that teenhood is the most difficult stage of your life.

My life took a turn when I received a letter from the school that year. I have been on probation for two consecutive semesters. I guess it was to no surprise, but it was a hard blow to me. I've always been in the best class. I've always been one of the better students. But now, I've been kicked out of school due to my grades. I told myself, that I would do better. I quickly enrolled myself to a local community coilege, and try to get good grades as quickly as I could, so I could go back to the university.

It was a good effort, and every ounce of my body and mind was strained to get back to the university. There, I found friends, and I was actually great in mathematics again! I took all the calculus classes there is, even 3 Dimensional Calculus. I really loved calculus and I found that my grades are so good, that the community college actually asked me to teach and guide students in mathematics! Sure, it was algebra and grade 12 materials, but I was getting my confidence back. I thought the worst was over, and that I was back in shape.

After a year in the community college, and almost getting my second year of university done, I reapplied, and the university took me back in. I was ESCTATIC! I thought for sure I will be able to get back to my groove. I've successfully ignored the voices, and with friends around, I did not feel as paranoid as before.

Well, seemed that I was wrong. I was poised to enter Computer Sciences and Mathematics department, as it was at the end of second year that you make your choice as major. One slight complication. The voices are back. My concentration wained again. I was furious with myself. I didn't know why I couldn't concentrate. I forced myself, thinking that it was my will, and that I was too playful and didn't want to study.

I didn't even last a year back at the university. I was out again. This time, second strike. The second strike is more severe than the first. I received the letter, just before Christmas that year. I dispaired. I didn't dare to go downstairs and joined my family celebrate Christmas. That Christmas, I spent in my room, locked and alone. Thoughts of committing suicide came across my mind. Seemed that there's no end of it. And I'm back, feeling paranoid.

To be continued..


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Thursday, January 07, 2010 12:06:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is really amazing of you to open yourself up to the world. im really proud of how strong you are, and how you kept on going. you amaze me.

Saturday, May 29, 2010 5:19:00 PM

Anonymous Murtaza said...

Hey Buddy!!! I suggest you should see a doctor or maybe a psychologist or a psychotherapist. because, no where in ur story you mentioned going to doctor. so better try it.

It might work and I wish you get back on the track!!!!

Tuesday, June 08, 2010 11:54:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

madont forget your talent and eagerness about math. u can be successfull and happy but first believe yourself and fight for what is ment to be yours.i think you should accept your problem see a doctor and of corse dont forget to follow your dreams(trip).u can help yourself if u want.

Sunday, August 29, 2010 7:37:00 AM


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