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Sunday, February 05, 2006

I'm just stoopid (Schizophrenia part 2)

Fast forward a number of years. Seems that my nightmare has yet again been conquered. I'm now living in Canada, married, have a great job at Canada's premier communication company and am on the way up. I've just completed my Masters in Business and Technology from one of Australia's top schools and have been offered the Project Manager position. Its an amazing achievement, especially for someone as young as me. Have my troubles gone away? No. I would be deceiving myself if it did. In fact, its much worse. Follow me here..

The whispers that I've always had since young has changed into actual voices. Floating ghost voices. I would hear them talking at the next cube, and its always about me. At first the voices were flattering. They would say to each other (yes, there were 4 different distinct voices) that I'm really smart, and that I'm a high achiever. Blah Blah. With these kind of voices, who wants to get rid of them? However, there was a sinister side of it. Two of the voices would then get angry, and tried to point out that I'm a loser.

The good side always win, so I didn't care much. However, I hear the two voices saying that I'm talking behind my boss' back. I was so sure that it was talking to my boss, that sometimes out of the blue I'd call him on his cell phone, denying that I ever said that. If I were him, I'd think that I should be checked out. Being the great guy he is, he just goes along and says that I'm doing fine, and that he believes me. Little did I realize that I'm going down further into my psychosis.

At the end of 1999, I was so paranoid, that I've decided to move to USA, to start afresh, I tell myself. After applying to hundreds of jobs, and receiving several callbacks, I got an interview! The company paid my flight, and I took the red eye, for the interview at morning itself. I met with the General Manager, the Vice President of Operations, and 5 other IT staffers. They were re-organizing the business, having sold a large part of their business and they were bought over by a Cleveland, OH based company.

I immediately took a liking with the General Manager, and we immediately got along. He was an older chap, and he's really nice and amicable. I left that night, thinking that it would be great if I were to get the job. The next morning, I got a call from the recruiter, and he was real excited, telling me that I had clinched the deal! Later I heard that there were a number of suitable people, some even with Masters and PhD. I was real excited, and told my then wife about it. She wasn't too thrilled, as she had grown to love Vancouver. After discussing it, she decided to stay in Vancouver, while I move to Minneapolis first.

After finding an apartment, the move was arranged by the company - all expenses paid. I was real optimistic at this point. I tnought that I'd leave all the negativity from those people (yes, I really still think that they were actual people) and start in this great company. Its going to be something strange, but my parents were real supportive of my move. I haven't even heard of Minnesota before, so my dad borrowed Grumpy Old Men, and we all watched it. It seemed that I'm leaving a nicer place for a cold and barren state, but it wasn't going to deter me from the new job.

Pretty soon I immersed myself into my job. There were a lot of knowledge transfer to be done, and I am supposed to pick a lot of things up. It seemed that there were a lot of things that should've been done, but never was done. It was a lot of work, and I've put in a lot of long hours. Strange thing is, the voices never left! By that time, I should've been suspicious and decided something is wrong, but I guess I was just stoopid.

To be continued..


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